Let me deal.....

I went to the hospital with chest pain and pain in my left arm on Wednesday. I thought I was having the big one. I was scared to death. My mom rushed me to the hospital and they took me straight back and hooked me up to an EKG - which was NORMAL (shew!!! big relief )they put me in a bed and I waited and waited and waited. I waited to see the doctor over an hour and a half. Finally the doctor came in she was a wonderful woman very smart and gave me the impression she knew exactly what she was talking about. She did, she told me that it was probably anxiety and she felt around on my ribs, she asked me if I had been coughing alot. I told her my problem about sarcoidosis and that I hadn't been able to be treated for about 6 months due to no insurance. She told me I had pulled muscles under my ribs due to coughing. She asked me my pain level and told me she wanted a x-ray. I told her my pain level was about a 3 pretty low, I really wasn't wanting any pain medication I wanted to know what was going on. She then told me she would get me a lortab for pain and some adavan for anxiety. Good no narcotics in the vein. As a person that has been in and out of hospitals alot they seem to like to shoot me up with a bunch of pain medication and send me home and it is always the same pain medicine dilaudid (very strong). I had taken my x-ray and was waiting in my little bed for the Dr. to read them she came in and told me she wanted a ct scan because what she saw she didn't like she couldn't tell which was infection and which was sarcoidosis.



Okay, I got scared first thing I wanted was a cigarette my nerves were working on me double time. From then on things are kind of blurry I remember the ct results coming back and she told me that my lungs were swolen and the infection was pressing on my heart WHOA!!! nerves again I wasn't scared now I was to the point to where I was fearful of losing my life. Yet I stil wanted a damn cigarette. She wanted an ABG - those things hurt! I have had them before, I don't know if it was lortab mixed with anxiety medicine or just plain being afraid out of my wits but I was trying to bargain with the doctors!!!!!! Everything is a little blurry but I remember wanting a cigarette before and after the test, well it wasn't happening so I calmed down. They then ran an IV on me and shot me up with adavan which I have never had in the vein before and never want again. She came back in and told me my ABG results were bad I am not sure what it read everything is very blurry.



She wanted to admit me start me on medications right away. Okay I started crying was scared, nerves again I wanted another cigarette, what in the hell is it with cigarettes ? My mom left it was very late. I told her to send my husband I didn't wanna be alone. I remember I called him on the phone and told him to bring me a few things. He got to the hospital and went up to my room with me and I remember asking him were my stuff was at and he told me that he left it in the car. I remember a young nurse coming in to my room to hook me up to a portable heart monitor that I would have to wear my entire stay which meant no cigarette for me so I told her to wait that I was going to go down and help my husband get my stuff and smoke I would let her know at the nurses station when I got back. I went outside and smoked got my stuff felt a little better was ready to go back in and rest. We got back and I went to tell her that I was back and she was talking to another nurse rolling her eyes saying " I don't know she went outside with her husband, she said she didn't want to make him have to pack all her stuff by himself " I politely said "ahem, I'm sorry I was under the impression that everything was fine when I left" She turned around and looked at me "Oh I'm sorry that is just the way I talk. Don't pay no attention to me".



I think that is when it all began I got angry.



I don't know why, no reason really.... I guess withdrawals from cigarettes. Is that possible? Hell, I had smoked plenty before I got to the hospital. Anyway, I was in my room and a different nurse came in to my room and hooked me up to my heart monitor. She then asked me my pain level I said a 4 or 5 still low on pain scale. I thought if anything she would bring me another lortab or give me something non-narcotic like tramadol . She left came back in my room and said I have something here for pain nausea and your nerves . I asked her what and she said Phenegren, adavan and dilaudid. I immediately looked over to my husband who was already fixing to leave because it was a shared room no one was allowed to sleep in the room with me. He said I'm going home. I knew why he was going home Dilaudid and me equals INSANE.



I should've spoke up and said NO. I thought, well I will let her give it to me it is late and maybe it will put me to sleep. Wrong again, I went crazy.... immediately I was wired. The next morning I called my mother and asked her to come to the hospital it was early in the morning not sure of times I was out of it. She said she wasn't going to work and she would be there in a little while. I saw the doctor that day and was even trying to bargain with him so that I could smoke a cigarette. I was crazy! I smoked in the bathroom, I yanked my IV out of my arm, screamed at my mother like a 4 year old, and even screamed at the lady in the bed next to me. I was acting like a junkie wanting my next hit. All over a cigarette.

I can not apologize enough to my mother I am so sorry, I don't know what in the hell I could have possibly been thinking! So the entire family is mad at me as if I don't have enough on my mind already. I understand they care and I understand they want me better. I have a lot on my mind I need to get through these feelings with my immediate family... my mama, my husband and my kids. I am not pushing anyone away but all I do is worry, stress and cry over what everyone is thinking of me. I am weak I have been weak for a very long time now. If you wanna call and talk about the weather that would be the best medicine for me right now, not about how I am feeling and not about how we are doing in our private life. I used to be thought of as the strong one.. nope not anymore I am weak and I need the people around me-no one else.

Please let me get myself and my private life better and then if you wanna talk about what I have done wrong while doing this then I will be all for it, but right now I know what I have done wrong.

I am dealing with it- please let me.

From now on I will be working on getting myself and my family back on the right path if you have some good advice for that I will be happy to listen. If it has anything to do with my health or my private life - don't ask I won't tell.

If mama wants to talk that's fine that is her right, however I am done talking.

I love all of you.
Thank you for letting me deal with this the way I feel I need to.